you could look better

dear kids

2006-11-30T09:35:00.000-05:00

I know, I know. I'm sorry. neglect is inexcusable...but I'm going to make excuses regardless. 1. papers (50 pages, 1.5 weeks. shitmotherfuckerIamscrewed.); b. PhD applications (shitshitshitshitshit); also) papers.

but, in the meantime, amuse yourself with my new toy.

xo,
me.

oh, and ps, I think I'll be in london second week in january, so if anyone wants to play shopaholic, let me know.

teacup joy

2006-11-08T14:21:00.000-05:00

I hope you feel the same way about coffee mugs.

dear teacup joy

I don't know if I have it in me to be snarky on this, the day of Giddy Happiness and Also Possibly Some Childish Taunting of Those Entering Their Darkest Hour, but what the hell. your hair is lovely. your glasses were obviously chosen with circumspection (for the record, the pinkish ones are better). (the blue, come to think of it, make you look sort of like a professor who really, really likes feminism. not that that's a bad thing, but you're only 23.) yes, lilac and teal suit you very well.

so. what to change. 1. throw away all your clamdiggers, gauchos, and capris. not kidding, they're hard on the calves. 2. I think (though I'm not positive, as your pictures leave much to the imagination) that your bra is incorrectly sized. does it ride up in the back? straps fall down? do you overflow from it? true or false, it just looks a little...not trim. trim is good. you probably need to size down or try something really not flimsy.

okay, now I hear you want a haircut (liveblogging. I do not have time to do this). if you truly want to change it, grow out the bangs (I'm assuming they're on the longer side already), get a cut that frames your face by being really choppy--heavy, thick, bold texture--keep as much of the length as you can, and the side part, and then try bedhead. rumply, slightly curly, volume-y bedhead. like this, but without the awful bangs. add mary janes, tights in muted reds, blues, or greys, shift dresses, mini or otherwise (ha. target. I already ordered it.), turtlenecks for layers, maybe some flat boots, a well placed belt, mix, and serve.

xo,
me.

oops

2006-10-29T21:36:00.000-05:00

so my brain is imploding with grad school, GRE, music, and work things.

posting will resume when the storm passes.

xo,
me.

postnobilis

2006-10-19T10:57:00.000-04:00

seriously, yo. you're mugging for the camera in a field full of ruminants. think about that for a moment.

dear postnobilis,

you are a good-looking person. repeat after me: "I try too hard. I try too hard."

some of you, I know, are reading this with incredulity. "really, a lady?" you ask. "do you really think there’s such a thing as trying too hard? you?" well, yes. unless you’re a homo, there is no way you can pull off, for example, that lavender scarf knotted in just that way. a lavender scarf, maybe, that knot, definitely, but together? no, no, and again, no. besides, the color is no good on you. try yale blue, harvard crimson, or emerald green. (why am I ridiculous? because I can be.)

now then. you care about looking good—grooming is fine, so I won’t go there—so why don’t your clothes fit? shirts, be they men’s or women’s, should not look like Byronian painter’s smocks, which is pretty much a guaranteed effect if the shoulder seams don’t line up with, oh, I dunno, the shoulders. (flapping cuffs will accomplish the same thing, as a side note.) they shouldn’t extend down past the joint onto your arm, because they make that area slope—a bad idea for anyone. your sleeves are probably also too long: they should hit just below your wrist bone…any more and you’ll look like a child in his dad’s shirt. invest in a leather blazer, brown, not black. have you tried corduroy trousers? do you have nice shoes? you probably like prada, don’t you? go with that.

all in all, not a lot to be done...just some editing.

xo,
me.

to brighten your tuesday

2006-10-17T09:25:00.000-04:00

worked for me, anyway.

lora

2006-10-10T01:14:00.000-04:00

so I'm kind of high on painkillers. this may or may not be a good thing. either way, I'm way less angry with pain than I was yesterday. hurrah!

dear lora,

I hate your hair color. it's kind of garish and doesn't suit you. you're a brunette naturally, aren't you? I shouldn't be able to tell. if you want to be a redhead, be a redhead. I'm not really too bothered about what you want, at the moment, and so will tell you that you really need to be a brunette--a rich, dark mahogany will be lovely. also, lose about six inches of it, as I can see the damage from here. consider long, side-swept bangs. (big forehead=bangs.)

your eyebrows have no shape. the area under the arch is in desparate need of plucking, but, as you've probably never hung out with Tweezerman before, let me refer you here. waxing might be best, as they (probably) won't butcher it: just make sure to clarify you only want the arch tidied, nothing thinned or separated.

you actually seem to have the right idea in that shot of you in a skirt and sweater--v-necks, tulip cuts, etc. play around with fabrics and colors, especially now that fall is upon us. tweeds, really heavy silk jersey or georgette, and stiff, raw silks will all be really kind to a figure, as will corduroy. I don't want to make you invest as you're still losing weight rapidly (congratulations, by the way), so why don't you get back to me when you're nearer your target, and we'll figure something out.

xo,
me.

tom

2006-10-09T12:21:00.000-04:00

18 seems a trifle young for a makeover, but I'll share some ideas.

dear tom,

18. YOU'RE 18. if your age ends in -teen, it's a pretty safe bet that any wardrobe experiments, whilst embarrassing in retrospect, won't be a bad idea at the time. you're learning to be you, for chrissake. still, you obviously care enough to want to cultivate a look (even if it is that of benji from good charlotte), so let's save you from yourself.

go to topman and browse. start with basic grey, black, or white (hot pink if you're feeling particularly outspoken on any given day) t-shirts, worn under really tailored shirts (men with small frames should stick with smaller clothes: anything too big and it will look like you're swimming in it, which just makes you look smaller, not bigger, than you actually are. this is especially true of the sleeves: make sure they're fitted, to the point of almost-snug) rolled up above the elbow, layered with a (need I say it? tailored) waistcoat, hoodie, blazer, overcoat, you get the idea. layers. you can leave them open at the collar, worn with a scarf in a neutral color, or done up with a tie in something really bright--a yellow or primary blue might work well on you. ditch the bracelets and necklace (they scream "tragic") but keep the watch. no more long-sleeved t-shirts topped by regular ones, please. it takes me back to junior high.

you probably favor oversized jeans, but try something (dare I say it) tighter. slim (not skinny) jeans, or--this is really where you should go--tailored, tapered, flat-front grey flannel trousers (they should abound where you are) to go with the black hi-top chucks I'm sure you already have. dress up the whole look with, instead of riveted belts, a normal belt, but then go crazy with fobs, pins, a pocket-watch, and all kinds of things you can find at portobello market. by pins, let it be noted that I mean vintage metal ones, or war medals, even, not little round band pins.

seriously, kid. topman.

xo,
me.

alison

2006-10-06T09:41:00.000-04:00

I'm thrilled you share my hatred for vera bradley bags. thank you for telling me what they are, so my rancor can be more well-defined in the future.

dear alison,

don’t cut off your hair. it will throw off all the proportions and make your body look bigger than it is. (actually, do chop, but only a little: it should fall a couple inches past your shoulders.) I understand how frustrating thick and unruly can be, but still…there are lots of products out there that can help. to straighten throroughly, allow me to cite…myself (ha): “blow dry straight, putting some biosilk serumin while still wet (locks out the moisture amazingly well), once dry put a little more in--not much--flat iron under, not out, and finish with some frieda frizz-ease humidity-locking-out hair spray. you can brush it out after it goes on--it's not so much to freeze your hair as shut out the elements.” trustez-moi. it’s worth the investment, and that little bottle should last you six months, minimum. to leave it curly, put some of this in wet, clip up, and air dry.

okay, can’t avoid this any longer: do you shave your eyebrows? because it looks like you razored them with a disposable. (I wish I were exaggerating.) also, they make me think: “ohhhhh. she dyes her hair. that explains why it looks damaged.” don’t shave them. let them grow, as they’re in serious disrepair. once they reach a normal length, just tweeze the messy bits between and near your eyelid—no thinning! and get an auburn brow pencil to make them match your hair. yeesh.

how to dress? I want to see you in peacock blues, light greys, emerald greens…cowl neck or off-the-shoulder sweaters, pencil skirts, heeled boots, etc. or, troll ebay for vintage, as we discussed last night. I’ll put up link ideas in a bit…

xo,
me.

molly

2006-10-04T22:29:00.000-04:00

dear molly,

alright, let’s skip hair and makeup, as you don’t need anything there. I’ll just say that I prefer your hair air-dried with loose curls over straightened, which clashes with your features a little too much.

short legs = high heels. if you’re 5’4”, it shouldn’t be hard to find a simple, comfortable pump or heeled boot that will tack two or three inches onto your leg-length. yes, it really is the only way to fix that proportion. (trust me, I’m in a similar position: weirdly short calves. I should be 5’9”, but genetics suck. go figure that my major inherited trait is short tibia.) shoes with an overly-rounded toe will cut off the leg, so go with a point, and favor a stacked heel over one that’s too narrow or chunky. it doesn’t have to be ridiculous and witchy: classic “80s NEW WAVE!” or "DISCO!!!!" pumps, as they’re known on eBay, are best, comfortable, and, well, available for not much on eBay. (vintage bruno magli, if you can find it, is best. be careful that you get the right width, when shopping him.) this should help with streamlining; as far as pant fit is concerned, buy around your hips (by which I mean orient the fit there) and give the waistband second priority: it’s simple, and inexpensive, to have the waist taken in and the leg shortened. similarly, don’t limit yourself to the petite section when it comes to pants—or branch out there, if you’ve been doing that already. there’s a plethora of options out there, especially once you have some good (not excessively-high, but decisively there) heels in your wardrobe. you won’t go wrong with a bootcut, but I’d play around with a straight leg (straight when it’s on you, that is, not when it’s laid flat). banana republic--do you guys have those in canada?--is friendly to small waists. the Gap is not. (I could fall into the bloody gap left around my waist in those pants.) if you have good (small-thighed) legs, go for a skinny pant, as it will do the most to lengthen the leg. (only if you have small thighs. if you don’t, skinny pants and short legs will just be bad. very, very bad. as will anything flared. NO FLARES.)

when you have an hourglass figure and don't want to look "like a whore," there are a few rules. (actually, there aren't that many rules. I mean, let's face it, it takes some effort to look like a whore, what with the (p)leather, spandex, rarified footwear, and makeup involved. having a bosom, especially one your size, is perfectly normal and not terribly hard to dress; the issue is probably more your comfort level with having a chest, and less that it's outsize or "naturally" suggestive. because it's not.) halters, racerbacks, stiffer fabrics…all of these things will do wonders for holding you not only up, but also in, which really helps downplay that area. wrap dresses (you're too young to be wearing DVF, but she's the look you'll want) will provide the best fit, preferably in really heavy jersey or in wool—no flimsy rayony fabrics—for winter.

you're 18. this is your time to mess around with clothing and get comfortable with your body, so that when you're 50, hot, and asking your daughter for clothing help, a scoop-neck doesn't make you panic. (hi mom!) sally forth bravely.

xo,
me.

I am going to scream

2006-10-04T22:27:00.000-04:00

because the semester's getting underway and my hard drive has crashed, yet again. I am re-formatting, yet again. I am making over in a notebook, yet again. will post when I can get online. and when I don't want to drop my computer out the window.

I am very frustrated.

thegirllives

2006-10-03T13:40:00.000-04:00

glad to hear you're doing well. please consider investing in a space bar.

dear thegirllives,

the eyebrow epidemic seems to have spread to australia, so I think it may now be safely referred to as a pandemic. too thin. please see here, here, here, or here for meditations on good brows. also, please (I'm being so nice today, aren't you proud?) abandon that kabuki-esque foundation for a more sheer tinted moisturizer: pallor is one thing, but you're scary-luminous at the moment. may I call you glo-worm? anyway, a biscuity color will be best.

your wardrobe situation doesn't look too dire...the so-hip(ster) horizontal stripes need to be abandoned as you're not a rail, and those are the only people (legally) entitled to wear them--little-known U.N. draft legislation, I swear, so you're not exempt. (momentary digression, while we're doing the parenthetical thing: your very blonde friend in half of your pics needs to discover toner and conditioner, as hair was not meant to be yellow or straw-like. he looks like a scarecrow, in more ways than one.) try to stick to decolletage somewhere between that of the abbey and that of the whorehouse; the extremes to which you tend don't serve you all that well, as you have a bosom (avoid overly-high necklines) and it seems like a generous helping (anything too low and it'll look sort of...well, it will make you look bigger than you are. case in point: that shot of you with the beer). on that same note, 3/4 or full-length sleeves and jackets will serve you better than anything highlighting your upper arms. you may be able to get away with tank tops (vest, in anglo-speak), but definitely avoid cap-sleeves. also please avoid hipster tragicness. I have a sneaking suspicion she started out as innocent as you.

xo,
me.

christina

2006-09-27T22:35:00.000-04:00

what exactly is a "new" musician?

dear christina,

as this picture shows, you are a very pretty woman. I've spoken before, though not on here, about beauty v. "hotness" v. prettiness v. sexiness, and how just because your body's good doesn't mean you're hot or beautiful. it just means you have a nice body. the inverse is also true: queen latifah is beautiful. she is not, by any stretch of the imagination, hot. whatever. people, if you're truly talented, don't care how you, as a performer, look. I mean, just look at keith richards. or jewel. anyway, expect an email and some polemicizing. for now, let's get down to making you forget about yourself when onstage.

I’m guessing you own a lot of stretch and crushed velvet(een), chokers, and black leggings.

in the trash. along with all of your dark red, brown, and (please let this just be my imagination) black lipsticks. tenty tops? out. gel? out. 6 inches of hair? off. (trust me, people, there are multiple pics required for a makeover, not just the one that gets posted.)

things you need to get: tinted moisturizer. cream blush for the apples of your cheeks, color=petal. lipstick in pink and light berry colors (the raspberry, toffee, or praline here). black mascara, top lashes only. this haircut: you have a high forehead, and it will work wonders to not only frame your face, but also define your neck. blow-dry straight with a round brush. abandon the red-brown color for a pure brown or mahogany, no red overtones. your eyebrows need tweezing or waxing (I hate waxers and wouldn’t trust them, but suspect that you have no prior acquaintance with mr. tweezerman. maybe you have a friend with great eyebrows who could help? or you live in the NY-metro area?) shape from the underside of the brow to give it an arch: don’t touch the top line or the area between them, as they don’t need to be separated. fill with a very fine touch of dark brown brow pencil. goodness this is hard to convey in prose. go to the bookstore. hit the beauty section. get kevyn aucoin’s face forward and study the brow section. don’t give yourself fishhooks.

clothing. fuck it, I was looking around for a picture of the hair I have in mind, and instead found this. the man knows what he's saying. and I hear he's a dream of a person off-set.

xo,
me.

john b.

2006-09-27T22:34:00.000-04:00

you asked for pauper to prince, I'll give you pauper to prince. but first take that spoon (scissor? eyelash curler?) out of your hand. menacing isn't attractive.

dear john,

I'm sorry, but I've met someone else. I realise how sudden this might seem, especially what with you fighting so hard on the front lines for us and President Roosev--okay, okay, sorry. not that kind of "dear john." things are a little slap-happy today at You Could Look Better, what with the lappy working again and all. just bear with me.

you look pretty passable for a pauper, my friend. but you want to go the extra mile. you want someone to explain to you that while all your crewneck sweaters are fine in theory, they don't work so well in practice. someone to say, "it would be a lot hotter if you took that checked shirt in your bad hair day pic, ditched the sweater, rolled up the sleeves, put on an amazing, well-knotted tie, accented your nice torso with a vest (knit or otherwise*), and covered it with a hoodie." because then you'd look like a rockstar. who plays football on the weekends, knows how to treat a date, offers his seat to ladies on the train, and is usually cast as the guy in movies who's about to propose to his childhood sweetheart, blissfully unaware that she is a) bored with him and b) falling for orlando bloom. someone heath ledger-y, but without the ridiculous hair situation. and better dressed! I'm also kind of excited about socks for men, at the moment. really awesome socks that lend some surprise to the otherwise mundane world of businesswear.

xo,
me.
*if otherwise, then brown.

emily II

2006-09-27T22:33:00.000-04:00

I love making over people I've met in person.

dear emily,

you overtweeze. good shape, but beyond thin...they're getting sparse. I’d also like to see you let your hair grow a trifle—it’s too thinned at the ends, and just because they do it in brooklyn doesn’t mean the rest of the world should do it. (they probably shouldn’t be doing it in brooklyn either.) you have the features to pull off a really blunt edge, and I’d like to see you try it.

your bras aren’t doing their job. if you’re going to wear high-necked shirts (which are very cute, but hard do wear with any kind of a bust), you really, really need to lift and retain. have you heard the expression “pigeon-breasted”? that’s what happens when there’s too much bosom being pushed up and out, and things start to look silly and vaguely victorian. not so hot. please see here for minimizer suggestions. as a rule, I’d prefer seeing you in something with a lower neckline, and not in a clingy fabric—merino instead of cashmere, heavy jersey instead of spandex-cotton blends, linen, georgette, etc. if you work with these, in deep-V or scoop-neck tops, you can skip the minimizers, but go for full-coverage over demi-cup, and definitely choose the smaller band-size. (34 and 36 are NOT interchangeable.) other things to skip: cap sleeves and smocked tops. pieces with empire waists will suit you better, and I think, with the right pair of heels and bangles, you wouldn’t go wrong with something in the way of a balenciaga sack dress. another look to try would be pencil skirts (go all-out on the colors) that hit below the knee and sit at your natural waist, narrow belts, and very structured tops or closely tailored jackets in a fabric that will hold you in and not show anything you want to hide—velvet is amazing in situations like these, as it has no give (don't get stretch-velvet, obviously) and is pretty heavy-duty. try ebay for vintage, make sure your measurements match the listing, and if you choose to cultivate that look, make sure it’s completely assembled. nothing looks worse than women in pretty vintage frocks with unstarched collars and bad posture. it ruins the trimness of it all, which is the point of the endeavor. likewise, don’t take it too far with hair and makeup (particularly lipstick) as it will start to look like a costume and then I won’t be able to see you. and we can't have that, as you're gorgeous.

xo,
me.

so my computer died

2006-09-27T22:21:00.002-04:00

but I reformatted it and made it live again. let there be much rejoicing, singing of songs, sounding of trumpets, dancing of dances, etc., etc., in nomine Barneys, et Topshop, et Stella McCartney, amen.

skanko

2006-09-25T10:20:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I'm about to write this.

dear skanko.

okay, there, it's written. I really want to delete it. this is wretched. why is that your handle? WHY?

anyway, you look like the guy who plays the cowardly lion in the wizard of oz. for real. I like your hat selection. whether or not they're to hide male pattern baldness, they look good, and that's what matters. your facial hair needs trimming, please, particularly on your neck. it's just a little gross when it spreads too far south. another gross things: the expression on your face and your little handgangyobrowassup thing are identical in every. single. picture. it's creepy. I feel like you're not really there. which I guess is a possibility. so maybe you're creeping out the ladies and that's why you're not getting laid.

do you ever wear purple? I feel strongly about that color, especially on redheads. dark rinse bootcut jeans, purple shirt, tie, dark pinstriped blazer, italian shoe. or, alternatively, same shoe, but with a straight-leg jean (fitted: don't buy a size up), thick ribbed turtleneck in navy or cream, and a leather bomber over that. hot. and not bad-jersey. plus, they'll totally go with your hats.

I'll ad links in a bit, to clarify.
xo,
me.

could someone explain these to me, please?

2006-09-25T10:03:00.000-04:00

ugh. I've been seeing them for years and just...I mean, northern florida sightings are one thing, but in new york? on someone otherwise well-groomed and neatly-fashioned? it gives me a pain in the head.

halon

2006-09-22T15:12:00.000-04:00

I really wanted to put up the black leather duster pic and make an Angel reference, but instead I went with the phallic reference. for this, you love me.

dear halon,

okay, grooming, you pass. everything looks clean, eyebrows tame, face shaved. I hate the military side buzz thing, mostly because I'm not partial to scalps and prefer them well-covered, so please allow the sides to grow out a little. put all your gel in the trash, replace with a modeling gum or clay, and you'll be set.

suits and business-wear you seem to have in abundance, so I'm going to focus on fun and higher fashion: there's a flare for the dramatic lurking deep within your dark, twisty, anguished vamp--sorry. perfect. and again. more stripes. more perfect. naw, for real. did you know that suicide will kill you? anyway, you see my point. you have a great figure, now just accent it: layers on top, tailored pants on the bottom, and any of the shoes I've recommended on here for the men. oh, and ditch the leather duster. replace with skinny ties and omigod.

xo,
me.

ben

2006-09-22T11:05:00.000-04:00

sigh. a cape? and overalls? WITH A BELT?

dear ben,

to keep things brief and tidy, a list:
1. shave. all off. you are probably scaring your child. if you must have facial hair, go with a very light bit of scruff, evenly distributed over your cheeks, chin, jaw, etc. the effect will be more slimming and defining than what you have now.
2. throw away all your sleeveless shirts and tank tops. no, really. in the trash. along with the cape, overalls, and wand. I don't care if it was a costume: witness my cold indifference. that's what happens when you make my eyes bleed. true story.
3. those glasses are a bad idea. as is the gel in your hair. it's vaguely hedge-hoggian. porcine. you know. let it grow a little, trim the back and sides, and push it forward with a little (very little) product, sample size to test run before investing. rub it between your hands briskly until it's invisible, and, starting at the crown (top back) of your head, work it in, pushing up toward your forehead.
4. it's texas, it's hot, whatever. oxford shirts (all cotton or linen, no stretch) over t-shirts, tailored without being tight. leave them unbuttoned if that's more your comfort level--besides, it will create a vertical line* that will narrow your torso. roll up the sleeves. jeans, again tailored, or boot-cut. nothing too wide, as that will make your legs look short. and buy the right size! get a lovely boot. those are pretty. if you need more details/have other questions, email.

xo,
me.

*this effect is best achieved with dark t-shirts than light, which just accent the midsection.

inhouse

2006-09-21T14:46:00.000-04:00

outhouse. hahahahahaha ahem.

dear inhouse,

41, good body, and leather pants. you're luckier than most. so let us have a haircut, shall we? shorter, shaggier, bangier, with a good product (as always, I like Texture Twist). (oh, and don't do it blonde like meg ryan. stick to brunette.)

to tell you the truth, you could do whatever you want and probably get away with it. it's cute that you dig t-shirts, but I'm kind of unimpressed. the sunglasses...meh. I have the suspicion you don't care, and don't want to care, because you're all into nerdy boys and people who care about fashion can get fucked. am I right? I hope not. personally, I think you'd look great in a pair of black leggings under this dress--you can layer with a long-sleeved T, as you're in nova bloody scotia. with pointy flats or a soft, slouchy, flat leather boot. or a really mannish, wide-legged suit, with a white shirt (big, starched collar) open at the neck, with heels...that would be really hot. if you're willing to go there. and dangly earrings in unpolished silver. or pewter. it's time to try something new...

oh, and blush. a little cream blush on the apples of the cheeks. and black eyeliner and mascara.

xo,
me.

erica II

2006-09-21T11:36:00.000-04:00

so you're tall, rationally-bosomed, and live somewhere cold. whatever. I've never been one to let jealousy impede a makeover.

dear erica,

it's good to see you have no fear whatsoever of purple spandex leotards. if you're not scared of those, you're not scared of anything. so:
1. really fucking skinny jeans. you have the legs for them--cheap monday are amazing, if you can find them. (try urban outfitters online...I go to barneys for mine, but they're not listed on the site yet.) get them in grey or black. then, like so, topped with an oversized, deep-V cardigan if it's cold, and for shoes, two options. if you're feeling tall, amazonian, world-conquering, then these*. if it's a chill sort of day, these flats.

2. a really trimly-tailored boatneck dress, hitting just below the knee. belt it or don't, your call. if it's sleeveless, all the better for layering over turtlenecks, buttondowns, things like that. very audrey, very you, very good.

your hair suits you--maybe consider messing about with it at times, straightening, blowdrying, whatever. you need to shape your eyebrows a little, however, and you definitely need to define them with some powder: I can barely see them. your lips also need a little more color (a light lip pencil fill in the mauve or clover will work well), topped off with some gloss to make them look bigger. or try a plumper. also feel free to play with black eyeliner (not waterproof), well-smudged.

xo,
me.
* if anyone loves me, I'm dying--DYING--to have these shoes. but it would be fiscally irresponsible.

heraldic55

2006-09-16T23:21:00.000-04:00

trumpets, timbrels, etc. in other announcements, I've now taken to blogging in a notebook, on a train. awesome.

dear heraldic55,

you have me a little perplexed, and maybe all the good readers out there can chime in on this one--the four of you might be able to give me a little perspective...use the shiny pretty commenting feature!

eyebrows.

in some pictures, they are distracting. you're "that guy with the eyebrows." in others, most people wouldn't notice them, but I'm not most people. I have (suffer from) an eyebrow "thing." they seem too wide, in others not so wide, but too thick. and then in one they seem...unremarkable. I can see the rest of your pretty face, particularly the eyes. however, men tweezing to reshape/thin (rather than just maintain two separate) eyebrows is something that gives me pause, having seen too many tweezer mishaps in Chelsea. and there's that episode of Friends, the one where Joey...never mind.

anyway, you're in D.C. look like it, please. suits. tailored jeans. pocket squares! ! cozy for winter! you generally seem to have a good handle on not dressing like a neanderthal, so that's good. I suspect, however, that you have junior high shoes. no. now we are grown up.

xo,
me.

fadedindiehat

2006-09-15T10:37:00.000-04:00

oy. put on a shirt. and be glad I'm not posting one of your shirtless pictures.

dear fadedindiehat,

shave. get that pubic hair off your face immediately, and I'm not even going to say please. no matter how ironic, how williamsburg, how hipster you think you are, facial hair that looks like pubic hair is just an exercise in douchebaggery. if it were straight, and looked like this, it would be fine. but it's not. it looks more like this (on the left). I give you caricatures in the hopes that they will realize your worst fears, and you will go Bic that thing now. the fro needs taming, while you're at it: an inch should do it.

the topless-with-tie thing baffles me. are you auditioning for chippendales? I think maybe yes. stop mugging so much for the camera, as disengaged apathy won't get you very far romantically. (please see "leotard fantastic.") ugh. okay, in clothes, sweaters aren't for going over shoulders unless you're a girl, and even then you have to live on the Upper East Side. and do it with pearls. your palette should maybe be red, black, white. you could probably try skinny jeans (the man version) should you choose to do so. Cheap Monday seems to have the most wearable iteration of them...I'm going to run over to Barneys at lunch and see if they have them in stock. they're Cheap! okay, so, those in black, plenty of t-shirts, a vest, maybe, rumply shirts, a motorcycle boot might work well, and bam. you're done. as soon as you ditch the shiny ties.

xo,
me.

strewn

2006-09-15T09:45:00.000-04:00

way to hide your face.

dear strewn,

I'm not sure why you're requesting a makeover, to be honest. you're well-groomed, hygenic-looking, and your clothing is trendier-than-thou (which doesn't really make sense, but just go with it). you say your summer has been sexless, but I really don't think it has anything to do with your appearance. except maybe your nail polish. this isn't 1997 and you're not carson daly, so please, lose it.

so, reasons you might not be getting laid: 1. you're a camera whore, but only for your own camera. i.e., you've no trouble showing yourself to yourself, but in public situations you shut down. 2. buggy eyeglasses scare men. true story. 3. you set the bar too low, agree to make out with ugly iNerds (who are the only ones willing to approach you, as they have nothing to lose), and scare away the hotties by 4. not keeping your tits in your shirt. god I just saw the rest of your photos. BEHAVE. a sense of decorum, please. no, really. also, ditch the watch. it doesn't work with everything, you know, and the 80s are only cute/funny for a couple moments before I start to feel ill.

in summary: tits go IN the shirt. in it. not over it. black nail polish = tragic VJ loserdom. there are not many people out there with bug fetishes (I hope). 80s watches belong in john waters films. don't make out with uglies. have you tried women? women are hot.

xo,
me.

lame casper

2006-09-14T15:29:00.000-04:00

a fellow 'mo. may you be the first of many.

dear lame casper,

so you wanna get laid. it can be hard, but at last you're already visibly lez and not just hipster. the ladies probably don't ask, "is she straight?" when you walk into a club (that really pisses me off). anyway, bras.

I know, I know, "but what about my hipster baby dyke cred?" whatever. bras aren't necessarily for enhancement, you know. they can be for DEhancement (see how that happened? wasn't it amazing?) your chest doesn't fit with the look you're cultivating, and it makes you look thicker through the middle than you really are. on close consideration, it does look like you might be wearing one, but if you are, it's probably flimsy, cotton, and from american apparel. No. because then they hang down and your torso looks short and bulky and wrong. look at this. or maybe this. ooh, not bad. and no lace!

perhaps now you get my drift: they separate, shift up, and keep down. not in a uniboob, sports bra kind of way, not in an "I don't want to look identifiably female" way, but rather in a nobody notices/thinks about them because they're too busy looking at your hotness to remark them. your hotness that is at the moment a trifle hard to see as your bangs are a little out of control (trim, please). also, the hair generally speaking is a little flat. Texture Twist goes in wet, and when dry, gets mussed about with a brush or your fingers. works wonders, won't weigh down your hair like wax, and will make you a little more eyecatching. and you can try the travel size to see whether or not you like it before going all out on the bigger one. amazing.

your clothes are fine. they suit you, show me who you are, etc. if you want more interest, get a nice, flat, brown/cognac leather boot--streamlined, not chunky, preferably thin-soled as well--and throw a shrunken (read: buy one size down) vest over your usual t-shirt.

xo,
me.

erica

2006-09-10T15:05:00.000-04:00

finally finally finally...I mean, Oh, it's you!

dear erica,

hi. that hair color has got to go, I don't care how enthused everyone else is being. why? a) it obscures you. all I can see is the color. b) your eyebrows are a distressingly different color, and do you really want to have to dye them pinky-red? (which is, I'm sorry, the name of the color on your head.) c) because I said so and you love me. I have nothing against crazy hair colors, having myself had 5 different colors in at once. (but that was just once.) I have a big problem with color that looks as though it was aiming to be, oh, I dunno, red, and ends up pink or burgundy. if you're going to do pink, do pink. (don't do pink.) if you want to stay red, be red. however, I suggest you go back to blonde. no, really. actually, if you want to return to the streak you had (which was an excellent trademark), go with a warm blonde or even a warm light brown, and then platinum or white for the bit about your face. or bangs would be nice.

okay, the rest won't be hard. get a brow powder in taupe or light brown to shade the color you have at the moment--it's leaning to the grey side. your skin looks fine from here--maybe a little sheer foundation on your t-zone to even out your skin tone and bring out the color in your cheeks. (clinique is great, as long as your skin's not too oily. if it is, try a mousse foundation: estée lauder's is great, but pricey. I know they have things at the drugstore...maybe maybelline?) get some mascara and eyeliner, both in dark brown, and do your eyes--liner on the top lid (well-blended, so don't get waterproof), mascara on both top and bottom lashes. et voilà le face. for feet, yes, stick to flat shoes. (she's 6'0", people.) actually, stick to flat boots. oh. my. both are slouchy, so potential calf-width issues should be, well, non-issues.

as far as clothes are concerned, you can do anything you want on the bottom (except denim minis. denim pencil skirts, if you want, but not minis.) plenty of sweaters for winter, preferably in cashmere, merino, other non-synthetic knits, etc., and in a loose cut.

okay, have to end it there as shakespeare waits for no woman. email me if you have questions/need further guidance.

xo,
me.

carla

2006-09-08T10:11:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure whether to take the other pics I've seen seriously or not (the one with the red patent leather pumps worn with neon yellow and orange-patched jeans is a good sample), so I'm going to take this as my general model. fair? good.

dear carla,

given that you have a plethora of clothing options open to you, I'm a little disappointed. you have a great body, and a willingness to dress up, so why set the bar so low? there's nothing wrong with what you have on, but the dress is blah, the blue regrettable, the shoes adequate, in a 1995 sort of way (Clueless, anyone?). meh. I don't care what balenciaga's doing this season, the chunky shoe is not, and should not be, ubiquitous. go for stacked, not square, and a simple rounded point, not a platform. choose an item around which to build the rest of your look. example:

oooh pretty shoes. (the burgundy ones, obviously.) there's a lot happening there, so keep it balanced with a little dress like this in brown. ("coffee bean," as they'd like to have you call it.) oh my, look at the Now silhouette. maybe you could cinch it with a belt, and get an oversized leather bag to finish off the look. bracelets--bronze bangles--and maybe some dangly (that's the industry term) earings in a similar color. no necklace, as that would be overkill.

now, mind, this is just an example. an example of how you need to eschew your current color scheme (which is fine for 5th graders and the downtown scene here in NY, but not for grown women who don't need silly colors to get people's attention) for something a little more modern. no more black accenting bright shades--you don't do the black pant/skirt with a pastel top thing, do you? no. no no no no. ugh. try the brown, some burgundy, grey (grey is my current obsession, as though anyone reading this regularly weren't able to tell), and ooh someone just brought chinese food into the office. to wrap this up quickly: go get some ashy blonde highlights put in, or honey if you're more comfortable with that, and get the ends chopped up. not shorter, just rougher. rub a product like texture twist on the ends while still wet, and brush/manhandle it about once it dries to break up the look. like this. (try to ignore the dead man's chest.) hershbergerian, but not ridiculously overpriced. pay her (or anyone) $600 to cut your hair and I'll seriously be angry.

now then. foooooooooooooooood.

xo,
me.

val

2006-09-07T15:28:00.000-04:00

short for valkyrie, valerie, valeria . . . it's all the same to me.

dear val,

voila tweezerhomme. voila son pauvre cousin. ne m'importe pas qui tu veux avoir comme ami, mais il faut faire un. au moins. (my french has somehow fallen to a new level of imbecility, but regardless, your brows are too thick for the rest of your features. well-shaped, but the main stretch above the eye and before the taper is just too thick. tweeze a row of hairs, possibly two, from the bottom of the brow and it should increase the general eyelid area nicely.) I prefer you avec lunettes, rather than sans.

you're young, living in new york, and willing to make an ass of yourself, as demonstrated by your photos. good. you have H&M at your disposal, as well as countless little art-clothing shops (check out Long Island City for some great places), flea markets, and, if you don't have a problem with extortion, vintage shops. you need to branch out a little, as the only message you're sending out right now is "I like t-shirts." which would be fine, except you're so much more than a t-shirt. maybe a vintage t-shirt under a striped blazer with a straight-legged jean and pointy flats, but not just a t-shirt and jeans. boooo. boring. you are not boring. more color, please, while we're killing boredom. bright greens, yellows. empire-cut, square-necklined tops for going out. more hyphens. when you go blazer shopping, try to find something with three buttons as it will then have a higher placket, which will be kind to your chest. leave the single and double-buttons to those with more aerodynamic profiles.

xo,
me.

lostintranslation

2006-09-06T21:25:00.000-04:00

I think perhaps just "lost" will suffice. let's get started.

dear lostintranslation,

things against you: 28. 3 kids. divorced. short on time for yourself (right?), tired (I'm assuming), and probably in a constant state of motion (who wouldn't be with that much progeny).

things in your favor: great skin, lots of hair, boundless optimism and energy (you'd better have them, or I quit), and great curves. oh, and willingness to flaunt them.

seriously, I'm rolling up my sleeves. get a pencil:

skin and makeup first. get some brow powder, a really dark brown (like this, if you're on a budget) and shade what you have. at the moment, they veer toward a mousy brown, which is a little incongruent with that awesome auburn color on the rest of your head. also, don't tweeze them so far apart: see here for brow sculpting rule #1. then, while you're at the drugstore (or ordering things online, unless you're a sam's club member, which I hope you're not since wal-mart is evil. eeeeeeeeeevil), get this. I'm not even kidding, I just had to call my mom and interview her extensively so that I could get enough info to google around for another 10 minutes to finally find the name of this stuff. so get it. it's cheap and amazingly wonderful. when really stressed out a couple years ago and starting to get lines on my forehead (at 21, mind), I would rub some of this in a few nights running and *poof* they were gone. and you, my friend, have way too much going on in the line department for someone still in her 20s. which you are. remember?

in hair: too much. it's just too heavy, love, and weighing down your roots. meaning it's starting to go triangular, which is never good. that and the ends look damaged. as you don't have a lot of time for beauty routines, I'd say get a good curl enhancing lotion--NOT gel--work it in root to tip, clip up with some claw clippy things, and let air dry while you leave the kids at school and run around, or sleep with it up like that. (trust me, I used to have really long, really curly hair. I know what I'm saying.) once dry, don't brush, just comb through with your fingers, and shift the part more toward the side--it's too ambiguous right now. I like the color you have, but if you really want a change, go for a really dark, pure brown--no red overtones. and make the eyebrows match.

item...where are we now? 3? 4? anyway, no more black. it's too harsh for you. if the neutral palette is really your comfort zone, go grey, cream, chocolate, lavendar, olive. banana republic, when on sale, should be your friend. stock up on pencil skirts and high-waisted, wide-leg trousers in wearable fabrics--flannels, lightweight wools, triple georgette--deep (but not too deep) V-neck merino sweaters, and lots (I mean lots) of wrap dresses. you're short-waisted, so they'll work beautifully on you, as well as enhancing your waist and general figure without making your chest look obscene. from the numbers you're giving me, I'm going to say you're probably a 34DD, and as such should go for full-coverage bras, not demi. (I know they're sexier, but really, they're pretty useless for most girls above a D.) if betsey johnson fits you well (as she seems to do), you might also want to try diane von furstenberg and cynthia rowley. banana republic, again, or ann taylor for shoes and boots.

okay. whew. that's it for now. oh, contacts! definitely contacts on you, pas glasses. if you really want a new pair, email me and we'll discuss.

xo,
me.

parTaytay

2006-09-05T08:37:00.000-04:00

heyHeyhey.

dear parTaytay,

you write: Is it too late to get in on the revolution? never. ever. too late. especially not for someone with as many silhouette options as you have working for you at 5'9 with a slim build. you seem to have a penchant for the sporty/woodsy/cozy look, as evidenced by a few photos I've seen of puffer jackets, knit hats, lots of scarves, boots tucked into jeans, etc. there's nothing wrong with that, but you live in fucking new york--take advantage. consider this project soignée, if you will.

your height gives you the distinct advantage of being able to wear any of fall's numerous shapes, and I'd really like to see you in menswear. not literally menswear, but the female version of it. if you take a look at the weighty tome that is this september's fall fashion Vogue, you'll see a few examples of what I mean. I love these trousers from marni (not merely wide-leg, but also slouchy, which is more important, I think), but if (when) you find something similar at a reasonable price--stella mccartney's collection for H&M included a black, wide-leg, mid-rise trouser that has become a staple of mywardrobe at only $66--pair it with something minimal and really fitted on top, like a shrunken blazer over a fine-knit turtleneck, or a loose, worn t-shirt cinched under a vest--a vest like the one you have on in this picture, for instance, and a flat boot or medium height pump, depending on your mood and appointments.

now the big thing, which you may or may not be willing to try: haircut. you're lovely, but very strong-jawed, and your current style is just accentuating the squareness of it. additional reasons for making the chop: 1. it makes for a good icon, 2. it distances you from the woodsy girl/masses of women in the tri-state area with your same cut, and 3. it's eyecatching. jacquetta wheeler is a good example of someone for whom the chop did an inestimable service, and this iteration of it is where I'd like to see you go.

let me know if you need hand-holding.

xo,
me.

josh

2006-08-31T10:20:00.000-04:00

I like cinnamon raisin, if you're delivering.

dear josh,

you live somewhere sunny, don't you? california? how nice for you. the sun came out in new york today . . . almost. you left-coasters probably have to wear a lot of sunglasses, shorts, go to the beach a lot. how hard for you.

let's start with facial hair. as has been noted before, when going for the scruffy, unshaven look, one must put a few days' growth into the effort, lest it look negligent (in a bad way). either keep it clean, or leave it longer--3 days' worth should work well--and make sure to shave the 'stache area, as you have a shortish upper lip.

skulls. muted colors. plaid. all good things, at the moment, and I'm glad to see you appreciate them. however, new-media mogul that you're about to be, perhaps it's time to up the apparel ante a little. my reflex was Libertine (by hartig and greene), but I'm not finding any of their current stuff online. (they set off the skull craze in fashion with their 2004 collection of silk-screened, reconstructed vintage, which is what they're still doing. I think they might retail at barneys now, but am not sure. research.) do you know yamamoto? he's pricey, but if you're willing to drop for a couple shirts and a jacket, you could really bring out the best in what you already have. I do really like you in plaid/flannel, but am guessing you usually wear it with a) cargos, b) khaki, or c) jeans. that's all fine (I know you work in IT), but just because one can slob around doesn't mean one should. try it with a tailored (read: take it to your tailor and get the hem right--just at the top of your shoe) trouser: nordstrom, boss, or even banana republic. get a good shoe, while you're there. then proceed to go on lots of dates and get laid.

xo,
me.

help

2006-08-29T17:10:00.000-04:00

my cat is stuck in michigan. he needs to come back to new york.

I don't suppose there are any michiganders or michigeese out there traveling to the fair metropolis of new york in the near future who are also willing to bring me mon chat, Luc. il est merveilleux. for real. in return, I'll get you dinner and a makeover. in person! (everybody: ooooooh.)

macgeezel

2006-08-29T15:24:00.000-04:00

I forgot to take my witty pills this morning, so let us get straight to the making over.

dear macgeezel,

your very pretty face is yellow. I've never heard of jaundice just affecting selected parts of the body, which leads me to the logical conclusion that you are wearing the wrong foundation. in this pic it's not so bad, but the one you have up of you and joelle shows the problem in all its splendor. you need more pink in there, lady.

also, eyebrows: the general shape is fine, but they extend too far out toward your hairline, making it look crowded (and weird). for this problem, the pencil lines up against the corner of your mouth and the outer corner of your eye, and wherever the pencil intersects with the eyebrow is where the eyebrow should end.

in other news, don't wear so much black. it's fine now and again, but not as a uniform: it should make a statement. once you get the foundation fixed, try a sweater (merino/cashmere/similar fine knit) in a mustard yellow, if you can find it. your natural coloring seems to be really high, especially in the cheeks, so you should be able to wear it no problem. plus it'll look great with your hair. if that's unavailable, a pesto green would be lovely, balanced off against a grey or cream on the bottom--or even black, since I'm sure you have plenty of that already. wide-leg trousers (with a high waist, please), pencil skirts, or, if you're above 5'6, a pair of culottes worn with some pumps and a really long chain (bronze) with whatever (a ring, a cameo, a charm) hanging off it. long = navel length, if not longer.

xo,
me.

I am a darn monkey

2006-08-28T16:25:00.000-04:00

yes. yes, you are.

dear darn monkey,

how does your hair look today? as it does in the picture, or as it does in the picture in which your cuffs are free to flap in the breeze? (do up your cuffs or roll up your sleeves immediately.) if the latter, yes, if the former, no. go get it cut, now.

you're awfully fond of black. nyet so much the good idea, my friend. actually, have we ever even spoken? what do you do? have you met your compatriot a couple makeovers down? how is life in australia? are you a party animal, or do you prefer to spend your evenings quietly, at the zoo, with all the other monkeys? where did you get that awesome-looking camera? are you in good shape, poor, or indifferent? how do you feel about navy? moss? charcoal? cognac? cream? you know I'm talking about the colors, right? do you own a denim jacket? did you realise that was a hint? are you tired of me writing entirely in questions yet?

yeah, me too. so go out and do all those things, and a few crewneck sweaters, in a nice merino, perhaps. you guys have good wool down there, I believe. oh, and while you're at it, maybe a boot, too. you can go black there, if you like, but black leather accessories bore me, on men. so if you want to entertain me . . . be brave.

xo,
me.

3jane

2006-08-28T09:46:00.000-04:00

so the sabian thing . . . are you leading me on, or are you really a percussionist? because if so, hey baby, how you doin'?

dear jane,

I love giving hot people makeovers. it's so aesthetically gratifying I can't even talk about it. the everyday makeover is satisfying in an emotional way--it eases my distress at the way people look, and makes them happy, which makes me happy. it's about the inner glow, if you will. or even if you won't. editing hotness, however, is Another Story Entirely.

the burgundy hair has to go. now. you're not 17, you're not 58, and therefore there's no possible excuse for that sort of behavior. choose red (by which I mean orange) or brown. don't mix. you could do either look: the red (see the pretty red?) would be a standout, especially given your complexion. the brown (like so), and you'd have a classic beauty going on. the cut you have is perfect for you, so don't touch that. this rule does not apply to your eyebrows. I'm trying to figure out what's going on there, and I can't. they look different in every picture. the red shot worries me enough to say something: trim. the hair comprising the tapered part of the brow (after the arch) just looks too long, but that's readily fixed with a brow brush and some manicure scissors. after you do that, go ahead and fill in the same area with some brown brow powder, as it's more sparse than the front of your brows.

now then. you can wear skinny jeans (Ihateyou), and you wear them well, so no complaints there. and those shoes are amazing (givethemtomenow). the top is a little meh. I know what you're trying to do, but it's just looking frumpy. use a thinner fabric with a better drape the next time you try that, or you'll end up with bulk instead of volume (make sense?). when you do that deep neckline, skip the necklace and go straight to big earrings. actually, am I imagining things or are you wearing bendy plastic straws around your neck? buy a vest, small as you can go. stick it on top of your blousier things to give you definition around your waist. same applies to blazers and jackets. throw away any and all shirts you have involving cap sleeves, glitter, or both.

xo,
me.

scheme a little scheme

2006-08-25T00:17:00.000-04:00

way to get the song stuck in my head. thanks. really.

dear scheme,

I've never been to australia.* how are things down there? I know you have good wines, and it's cold there when it's hot here, and vice versa. sort of like chile, but with fewer penguins and more accents. my impression of fashion sensibilities from there is not the most favorable, being based largely on movies like strictly ballroom and bootmen (I really loved bootmen**). images arise of big hair, big shoulder pads, tight pants, men in heeled boots, 11 o'clock shadows.

thankfully, you're smashing my pre-conceived notions to bits with your own well-considered attention to grooming. awesome! I love it when people save me breath. you have a great complexion--not freakishly pale or tanned--and that color is killing it.

okay, forgive me, that was a bit dramatic, but when I think of the colors you could be wearing they just put the brown to shame. greens, blues, yellows, pinks, REDS. oh. my. god. paul smith is expensive, but he can be found on sale and, more importantly, in australia. (I know nothing about shopping in australia.) the etro and hermes are more for color inspiration than actual "go out and buy these, richguy" commands. never mind what james bond says: learn to tie a full windsor (it's not hard). get shoes and belts in browns and caramels. get suits in greys, charcoals, blues, pinstripes. I envy all people who can wear men's clothing.

xo,
me.

*notice how I didn't say "down under," as that would be a lie.
**further proof of how I'm more gay man than lesbian. the initial proof was had 1. when I was voguing my way down W.112th street, headphones blasting madonna, and 2. at the BWS, where I spent so much time in the men's department pairing pocket squares and ties that I failed entirely to go to the women's section.

galwaygirl

2006-08-24T15:07:00.000-04:00

writes: I don't know if you are currently accepting applicants, but I would like to apply. please.

anything for a fellow Miseryan.

dear galwaygirl,

you have an amazing smile. for real, it's crazy huge and completely happiness-inducing. that said, crest white strips. in the spirit of honesty vital to You Could Look Better, your teeth could look better. and it'll take you from "hey, who's that pretty girl?" to "holy fuck, yo, check out that model who just walked in . . ." happily, it's a problem readily and inexpensively solved. then you can also play around with lipstick--a really classic red, say. and go nuts with mascara--dior, maximeyes, dark brown/black.

another thing that you have that's amazing: hair. gorgeous, long, perfectly tousled hair. dye it and die. (unless you already dye it, in which case I want the name of your colorist.) I'm not crazy about that oatmeal color on you--one of my roommates in college, also a redhead, was partial to it. she'd wear it with matching pants. and then I'd say "oatmeal," and she'd go change. (someone should have done the same for me and . . . well, something, I'm sure. pajama pants frosh year, maybe.) wear black. wear green. wear rose. wear really, really light grey flannel: sleeveless shifts, tulip skirts, city shorts. pair the city shorts with a white men's shirt and suspenders, and pointy flats. admire your hotness. would that I had a billion dollars to put you in balenciaga.

xo,
me.

helen

2006-08-23T16:56:00.000-04:00

is worried. but really has no reason to be.

dear helen,

sometimes, things are not as we would want them to be. we are not anna wintour's assistant, we are not uber-hip out-til-dawn-thrice-weekly club kids, we are not Gawked at on a regular basis, we are not the dream us. thankfully--as long as we're aware and accepting of this for the time being--we can still look amazing.

let's start with your Big Issue: hair. it's very, very curly naturally, and new york in the summer (and even the winter) can be very, very humid. life's a bitch, ain't it? I think I'd like to see you in a less twee 'do--the flip is a little innocuous, and makes you seem more saccharine than you actually are. (unless you want to seem saccharine, but would anyone really want that? I hope not.) I'd go to B&b and get something razored just below your chin--should hit about 1-2 inches below the jawline--a classic bob with a little more texture than most people can achieve. keep the side part, but let the bangs work their way into the rest of your hair. you're willing to do high maintentance, which is good. blow dry straight, putting some biosilk serum in while still wet (locks out the moisture amazingly well), once dry put a little more in--not much--flat iron under, not out, and finish with some frieda frizz-ease humidity-locking-out hair spray. you can brush it out after it goes on--it's not so much to freeze your hair as shut out the elements. seriously, if this doesn't work, I don't know what will. and I know what will. I lived in the armpit of america that is northern florida for three years.

do you use a primer for your makeup? (again, heat in NY.) clinique makes a great one, and you can get mini tubes for $15 or so at sephora. if one isn't breaking out, it can even render foundation pointless. (seriously, it's amazing.) now, I know the current thing is american apparel, leggings, lots of black, but no. if you want to do clingy, don't do it in lycra/spandex: do it in good, grown-up fabrics. linen! silk georgette! tweed! (say it with me.) muslin! go for deeper necklines, as you should show your advantage to, well, advantage, rather than covering it and accentuating it in the wrong way. I'd like to see you in a really strong shirt as well--mannish, well-tailored, a striking collar--with a bit of silk scarf knotted at the throat. there are great trousers coming out for fall that have high waists and wide legs, and I think that would really suit your overall silhouette. especially with a really high heel. (you work in publishing for chrissake: look powerful.) if you like dresses, go with a shirtdress of all cotton--heavy shirting material, if you can find it--or a wrap, DVF type thing. barneys warehouse sale is on right now, and they have some amazing suits in every size imaginable. you should go. EVERYONE should go.

xo,
me.

elstob

2006-08-23T12:32:00.000-04:00

prays this will be something superficial.

right.

dear elstob,

I love making over people in england. men especially. they're so... brave, when it comes to fashion. fearless. willing to do Stupid Shit that no one else in his right mind would do. sometimes it works, and, sometimes, they shave their heads.

don't. ever. do. that. again.

it's nothing personal, it's just a really hard look to wear. I have one friend (also english) who does it well, and he's a signed male model who looks exactly like david beckham. not many people do, so. yes. besides, you look like you have a lovely head of hair, nice color, great texture, so let's agree to let it exist, okay? additionally, please smile. you have naturally high coloring (ofwhichIamjealous), and it would be complemented well by a smile. also by not wearing yellow. you have the right idea with that deep red, but feel free to venture into the following territories: blue, green, chocolate, cream (not beige), and black. you have access to topman, so go there and play around. in the mornings, when it's quiet, if you hate shopping. please get some blazers (basic colors: black, charcoal, navy), you look like you have plenty of hoodies and t-shirts, a few jumpers (zippered, or polonecks in a really thick knit--english polonecks, not american ones), I'm sure you have plenty of jeans, and, if you don't have them, some good shoes. while you're at topman, check out that new country-greasemonkey thing they have going on, and consider a check, short-sleeved shirt, if your arms are at all good.

and remember: clothing's not superficial. it's the readily visible manifestation of your personality, and, consequently, impacts the impression you make on people. and there's no reason it shouldn't be a good one.

xo,
me.

ps
please improve your tagline.

freeform spam

2006-08-22T09:56:00.000-04:00

I'm torn between amusement at the Python skit and mild nausea at the visual inspired by your name. or maybe it's just that I've had three cups of coffee and it's not yet 10.30.

dear freeform spam,

you wrote: Make me beautiful. and then you gave me three pictures from which to work. two are of your eyes and forehead, and this one . . . is nearly impossible to see. awesome! but I'll do what I can, having no idea whatsoever of your build, height, lifestyle, etc.

I like the length of your hair in the mushroom picture, but, as you note, it does indeed look like a mushroom. stop that. throw away any gel lurking in your bathroom cabinet and replace it with a drier product--sebastian's modeling clay/mud should do you just fine.

now for the important stuff: pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease burn the manpurses. I mean it. matches from the corner store, some cheap vodka, you're in business. if you really want/need a manbag--which one can completely understand, especially for city living--invest a little. not a month's pay, but something. no nylon--get some canvas or leather, and make it roomy, over-the-shoulder, and useful. what is the point of a man-reticule? there is none: if there's so little to carry, use your pockets. the pockets of your awesome new dark-rinse bootcut jeans, which you will of course wear with a rumpled white shirt, fun silk-screened tie from H&M, and shoes of your choice. (unless you choose bad shoes that I hate.)

xo,
me.

osteocephalic

2006-08-22T09:34:00.000-04:00

mmm . . . Boniva . . .

dear osteocephalic,

hi, o favorite one! well, favorite imaginary-eurotrash-clubgoer. favorite real person, I dunno so much. I can't love people who don't love themselves, and you obviously have a vendetta against you. why else would you have done that to your head? yeah, I couldn't figure it out either. so first off, let the hair grow a little, and then get it cut properly. by a person with scissors, not just clippers. rub a little paste in, muss it about, you'll be good to go. I think you could grow out your scruff a little more--as is, it looks accidental. in a bad way.

now then. you're a cyclist, so you probably a) have decent legs and b) like nature, birkenstocks, and "comfort." which translates into "too loose pants." are you feeling brave enough to try these? I'd go skinnier, but I don't know how tall you are. for now, they're a good choice--and look for something similar in a suit pant. now, the fun part: plaid. they might call it check, but we know better. dig around, find something similar in the US. roll up the sleeves, and if it's breezy, top it off with a military(ish) jacket--you should be able ferret one out of the racks of your local vintage joint. make sure it's not too big, though. this is key. really, really key. and with this, a leather lace-up (square toe) in brown or a sneaker in white.

I know, you love me.

xo,
me.

happy ways writes

2006-08-22T08:18:00.000-04:00

Aw, this is awesome, are you still doing this?

do birds fly? do fishes swim? of course I'm still doing this.

dear happy ways,

your hair is the same color of the apple I'm currently eating, and, whilst that color is beautiful, picturesque, aesthetically pleasing and desk-enlivening on my apple, it was not meant to adorn human heads. maybe that of a rose-breasted cockatoo, but not of a human. I know you're 18, but there are better, more interesting ways to do color. go for a really rich, natural chestnut, and if you want to do something unusual, stick a little bit of white-blonde (and I mean white) underneath the main color. just a little bit. something like what happens on the head of jacqueline follet in the devil wears prada. but young. in one of your pics, your eyebrows look like they've been tweezed too far apart. hold a pencil against your nose, aligning it with the corner of your mouth. wherever it hits your brow is where the frontmost end of a brow should be located, rather than centered above your pupil.

okay, you have a good body, and you're 18, so you basically can go as all out as you want. I'd like to see you in green, I think--grass or emerald--really loose, deep neckline (deep as you please), showing a lot of clavicle. for some reason bronze earrings are coming to mind, oversized. eyeliner (get a lesson in blending before you go there, though. 18+eyeliner is usually unfortunate). add a really tightly tailored (so not tight, but really well-fitting) city short (at the knee) in a dark shade, and a cuffed boot in brown or caramel, and voila.

xo,
me.

emily

2006-08-21T20:23:00.000-04:00

omg! yay!

ahem.

dear blogger extraordinaire,

you are hot. not even kidding. let's go ahead and hottt it, actually. knowing how you look outside of pictures, these are the things I have to say to you:

have you seen imagine me and you? way cute, lezzy version of notting hill, about a boy, love actually, etc? (did you know there were supposed to be lesbians in love actually? I was so sad they were edited out, as their particular situation had a lot of pathos. I digress . . . ) the gardener/florist girl--hot, older, bewitcher of young, straight, newlymarrieds--has pretty much The Best Jeans Ever on and you, my friend, have the legs I don't have, the legs that can wear Those Jeans, the legs I want. in so many ways.

ahem.

anyway, the closest I could find to those jeans was this.

I , however, refuse to be ridiculous and spend what used to be my rent in florida on a pair of pants, no matter how wonderful they may be. I will settle for the new trouser jean at the gap, soon as it's back in stock, because I suspect that's a pretty good approximation of the look. then, at a thrift store, find a brown, skinny belt for a very fat man--one that'll wrap around your hips twice, basically. if one is to bare stomach, the most user-friendly portion is usually that just above the hipbones and just below the belly, savvy? until one has been pregnant, in which case please, please don't get any ideas. so then, after this master jeans plan, throw on a pair of chucks--black or white--and a very thin knit, clingy turtleneck or henley (century 21 is your friend) in brown, black, or navy (ooooh do you wear much navy?), a narrow wool scarf from a similar palette, and (this is the selling point) a vest. or a sleeveless jacket. or anything that's really, really fitted and well-structured around the torso, but that shows that little bit of hipbone/decolletage. then put some curl enhancer (preferably a creme) in your hair (just to make it messy, not to make it curly), shift the part more to the side, and air dry.

and that, my dear, is how Autumn in New York was meant to be.

xo,
me.

krissyjo

2006-08-21T19:52:00.000-04:00

it's too easy so I'm not going to go there.

dear krissyjo,

okay, whomever told you that looked good shouldn't be shot, as you posit, because they almost got it right. the bangs needed to be rounder--not so angular at the temples--and the color needed to be the darkest brown possible. then also lots of mascara and some eyeliner and red lipstick and *poof!* the jean seberg who never was. okay? okay. with that, I want to dress you up like audrey hepburn in Funny Face, with lots of black turtlenecks and boatnecks and leggings and cigarette pants and ballet flats. yes.

xo,
me.

branwell

2006-08-21T19:50:00.000-04:00

oaty goodness.

dear branwell,

branwell: I'm writing a song. it goes a little something like this (to the tune of We're Not Gonna Take It):

branwell needs a haircut
bran!well, he needs a haircut
branwell needs a haircut...right away.

okay? okay. notice I said "haircut," not "head shave." this is key. another thing I didn't say: bananas. chris moyles's hair in this picture, I think, if you can see it. the glasses are a little napoleon dynamite, unless that's the look you're trying to cultivate. in which case, no. try for something in a thick frame, and a rectangular shape. it'll set off your eyes and balance them better against the rest of your face. start there and get back to me. oh, and stop wearing beige.

xo,
me.

gina

2006-08-21T19:47:00.000-04:00

dear gina,

good eyebrows, yo. and I dig your hair. you seem game for Adventurous Dressing. did you read last week's Thursday Styles article on layering? leigh usually looks amazing, but I'm not crazy about the vest in the pic. anyway, the point is: hotpants. do you wear hotpants? with tights? and boots? and scarves and turtlenecks and vests in a rainbow of greys and olives and browns?

woah.

xo,
me.

pepperella

2006-08-21T19:44:00.000-04:00

dressed in yella, went to the ball to meet a fella. or try, anyway. here's hopin!

dear pepperella,

I Love your hair color in the pic with the green shirt that you have now taken down. why did you do that? anyway, redheads shouldn't be called redheads. it's misleading and makes countless people dye their hair in shades of red. it's carroty, people. "ginger," if you're english. it's spot on. my reflex for you is yellow, and I don't mean pale butterfly pastel shit, I mean fucking Sunshine, yo. got it? awesome. I'm glad to see you know how to rock a v-neck, do it Always. try for a gentler lipstick color, something more pinky, and some mascara/liner on the top lashers, maybe in a brown--black'll be too harsh. get some brow powder as well--I think maybelline makes some, or one of those drugstore brands--and define your brows a little more, again in brown. they're a good shape, just need some strength. if you have puffiness under the eyes, Desitin works wonders.

xo,
me.

wrighty

2006-08-21T19:41:00.000-04:00

wrongy.

dear wrighty,

I dig what you're doin and where you're goin. I don't dig that your shirt is too big--again, shoulder seam should hit just where your arm starts--and that your sideburns are The Ew. too pointy, too long. I'm not saying you want to be elvis, but how often do elvis impersonators get laid? by desirable people?

not. often.

I lovelovelove your glasses, though. you should get a zippy-type sweater. and scarves. and a motorcycle jacket. and italian leather, classic shoes in whatever shade of brown/tan you want. maybe in ostrich! but that's expensive. also, you live in england, so feel free to wear the suits as closely-tailored as you like.

xo,
me.

the way I get by

2006-08-21T19:34:00.000-04:00

isn't really getting by all that well.

dear the way I get by,

so you want a makeover. I get that. so, let us analyze: good hair, good glasses, less funny faces. it needs to stop. you like the t-shirts, which is, again, fine, but LAYERING. layering is KEY. okay? make it interesting. wear jackets--leather for you, blazers if you want, but get something in leather that's not black--maybe cognac or even a deep olivey green would be amazing, if you're half the man I think you are--and a tailored jean. Like They Do In Europe. not tight, but tailored, straight leg. get some good shoes. all the boys take a field trip to italy NOW.

xo,
me

lauren

2006-08-21T19:25:00.000-04:00

got laid last week, but is self-aware enough to request a makeover.

dear lauren,

straight bangs + curly hair = meh. it's too . . . bronx. trim off an inch or so (hair, not bangs), put in some sort of conditioning creme (bumble and bumble's is great) and let it air dry. bedhead it. no more crunchy curls. (if you're worried about the bangs curling up too much, just use your fingers to comb your hair while it dries--it shouldn't take long and will keep them from looking weirdly straight in comparison with the rest of your head.) use less eyeliner. or blend it more, your call. (I hear you saying "but I was drunk . . ." but I don't care. alcohol is no excuse for looking slatternly. sex, however, is.) go get yourself some shrunken blazer action--and I mean really really fitted, hits just above the hip--some t-shirts from american apparel, some skinny jeans, and some pointy-ish flats. yaaaaaaaaaay. and lots of bangles. big, chunky ones.

xo,
me.

oh, and ps, I think your keyboard needs a makeover. or plastic surgery. or something . . .

marryxawad writes

2006-08-21T19:11:00.000-04:00

eh, why not. I could use a change.

damn right you could use a change.

dear marry,

bugs = unsexy. most people aren't like "heeeeeeeeeey baby, that exoskeleton would look great on . . . my floor." no. so lose the glasses. no more necklaces, not at that length anyway. go longer you want it to at least hit the top of your cleavage, k? unless you're trying to bring back 1995, in which case, go for it. also, trim those bangs. that or shift the part center-ward. it's too deep as is. have you tried sweaterdresses? you should try them. with leggings and flats/a classic pump. bruno magli can usually be found for cheap at vintage/thrift stores, and he makes a great, simple, rounded-pointed toe (envision that, if you can) pump with a wearable (3") heel in kickarse colors.

xo,
me.

ps:
no more tube tops. if you want to expose your shoulders, go for something draping wide and low, keeping it loose. this isn't forever 21.

lucid fur

2006-08-21T14:10:00.000-04:00

dear lucid fur,

boy. you're perky. who put sunshine in your cornflakes this morning? also I think your krishna shirt just made my head explode. urgh. okay, down to business:

facial hair: either go for it or don't. scruff or none. YOU HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION. how the hell do you expect to get through life wishy washing about? that's right. you won't. so stop it.

the clothing: generally you seem like a nice, non-douchebag kind of guy. friendly, approachable, non-apathetic. these are all good things. they do, however, make me envision you in kind of bland, kind of abercrombie mode, rather than all misshaped up. you're killing my imagination. so let's go for a happy medium, shall we, and, as icarus was unable to do, fly neither too close to the sun nor the deep dark saline depths. you'd be perfectly suited at topman, but we don't live in england. a suitable alternative is FCUK (pretty much anything in there will be a safe bet) and on the budgetier end of things, H&M. you seem tall, so go for a fitted pant, possibly even a skinny suit, some good italian lace-ups/classic Chuck hi-tops, and a white t-shirt underneath. that is your canvas, now go have fun.

xo
me.

hello, one and all

2006-08-21T13:57:00.000-04:00

and welcome. welcome to The New You.

I'm not even kidding. you probably are vaguely aware that something's wrong, or you wouldn't have come here. so take a pic, post a link or email a shot, and wait. wait for everything to suddenly go right.