dear kids

I know, I know. I'm sorry. neglect is inexcusable...but I'm going to make excuses regardless. 1. papers (50 pages, 1.5 weeks. shitmotherfuckerIamscrewed.); b. PhD applications (shitshitshitshitshit); also) papers.

but, in the meantime, amuse yourself with my new toy.

xo,
me.

oh, and ps, I think I'll be in london second week in january, so if anyone wants to play shopaholic, let me know.

teacup joy

I hope you feel the same way about coffee mugs.

dear teacup joy

I don't know if I have it in me to be snarky on this, the day of Giddy Happiness and Also Possibly Some Childish Taunting of Those Entering Their Darkest Hour, but what the hell. your hair is lovely. your glasses were obviously chosen with circumspection (for the record, the pinkish ones are better). (the blue, come to think of it, make you look sort of like a professor who really, really likes feminism. not that that's a bad thing, but you're only 23.) yes, lilac and teal suit you very well.

so. what to change. 1. throw away all your clamdiggers, gauchos, and capris. not kidding, they're hard on the calves. 2. I think (though I'm not positive, as your pictures leave much to the imagination) that your bra is incorrectly sized. does it ride up in the back? straps fall down? do you overflow from it? true or false, it just looks a little...not trim. trim is good. you probably need to size down or try something really not flimsy.

okay, now I hear you want a haircut (liveblogging. I do not have time to do this). if you truly want to change it, grow out the bangs (I'm assuming they're on the longer side already), get a cut that frames your face by being really choppy--heavy, thick, bold texture--keep as much of the length as you can, and the side part, and then try bedhead. rumply, slightly curly, volume-y bedhead. like this, but without the awful bangs. add mary janes, tights in muted reds, blues, or greys, shift dresses, mini or otherwise (ha. target. I already ordered it.), turtlenecks for layers, maybe some flat boots, a well placed belt, mix, and serve.

xo,
me.

oops

so my brain is imploding with grad school, GRE, music, and work things.

posting will resume when the storm passes.

xo,
me.

postnobilis

seriously, yo. you're mugging for the camera in a field full of ruminants. think about that for a moment.

dear postnobilis,

you are a good-looking person. repeat after me: "I try too hard. I try too hard."

some of you, I know, are reading this with incredulity. "really, a lady?" you ask. "do you really think there’s such a thing as trying too hard? you?" well, yes. unless you’re a homo, there is no way you can pull off, for example, that lavender scarf knotted in just that way. a lavender scarf, maybe, that knot, definitely, but together? no, no, and again, no. besides, the color is no good on you. try yale blue, harvard crimson, or emerald green. (why am I ridiculous? because I can be.)

now then. you care about looking good—grooming is fine, so I won’t go there—so why don’t your clothes fit? shirts, be they men’s or women’s, should not look like Byronian painter’s smocks, which is pretty much a guaranteed effect if the shoulder seams don’t line up with, oh, I dunno, the shoulders. (flapping cuffs will accomplish the same thing, as a side note.) they shouldn’t extend down past the joint onto your arm, because they make that area slope—a bad idea for anyone. your sleeves are probably also too long: they should hit just below your wrist bone…any more and you’ll look like a child in his dad’s shirt. invest in a leather blazer, brown, not black. have you tried corduroy trousers? do you have nice shoes? you probably like prada, don’t you? go with that.

all in all, not a lot to be done...just some editing.

xo,
me.

to brighten your tuesday

worked for me, anyway.

lora

so I'm kind of high on painkillers. this may or may not be a good thing. either way, I'm way less angry with pain than I was yesterday. hurrah!

dear lora,

I hate your hair color. it's kind of garish and doesn't suit you. you're a brunette naturally, aren't you? I shouldn't be able to tell. if you want to be a redhead, be a redhead. I'm not really too bothered about what you want, at the moment, and so will tell you that you really need to be a brunette--a rich, dark mahogany will be lovely. also, lose about six inches of it, as I can see the damage from here. consider long, side-swept bangs. (big forehead=bangs.)

your eyebrows have no shape. the area under the arch is in desparate need of plucking, but, as you've probably never hung out with Tweezerman before, let me refer you here. waxing might be best, as they (probably) won't butcher it: just make sure to clarify you only want the arch tidied, nothing thinned or separated.

you actually seem to have the right idea in that shot of you in a skirt and sweater--v-necks, tulip cuts, etc. play around with fabrics and colors, especially now that fall is upon us. tweeds, really heavy silk jersey or georgette, and stiff, raw silks will all be really kind to a figure, as will corduroy. I don't want to make you invest as you're still losing weight rapidly (congratulations, by the way), so why don't you get back to me when you're nearer your target, and we'll figure something out.

xo,
me.

tom

18 seems a trifle young for a makeover, but I'll share some ideas.

dear tom,

18. YOU'RE 18. if your age ends in -teen, it's a pretty safe bet that any wardrobe experiments, whilst embarrassing in retrospect, won't be a bad idea at the time. you're learning to be you, for chrissake. still, you obviously care enough to want to cultivate a look (even if it is that of benji from good charlotte), so let's save you from yourself.

go to topman and browse. start with basic grey, black, or white (hot pink if you're feeling particularly outspoken on any given day) t-shirts, worn under really tailored shirts (men with small frames should stick with smaller clothes: anything too big and it will look like you're swimming in it, which just makes you look smaller, not bigger, than you actually are. this is especially true of the sleeves: make sure they're fitted, to the point of almost-snug) rolled up above the elbow, layered with a (need I say it? tailored) waistcoat, hoodie, blazer, overcoat, you get the idea. layers. you can leave them open at the collar, worn with a scarf in a neutral color, or done up with a tie in something really bright--a yellow or primary blue might work well on you. ditch the bracelets and necklace (they scream "tragic") but keep the watch. no more long-sleeved t-shirts topped by regular ones, please. it takes me back to junior high.

you probably favor oversized jeans, but try something (dare I say it) tighter. slim (not skinny) jeans, or--this is really where you should go--tailored, tapered, flat-front grey flannel trousers (they should abound where you are) to go with the black hi-top chucks I'm sure you already have. dress up the whole look with, instead of riveted belts, a normal belt, but then go crazy with fobs, pins, a pocket-watch, and all kinds of things you can find at portobello market. by pins, let it be noted that I mean vintage metal ones, or war medals, even, not little round band pins.

seriously, kid. topman.

xo,
me.

alison

I'm thrilled you share my hatred for vera bradley bags. thank you for telling me what they are, so my rancor can be more well-defined in the future.

dear alison,

don’t cut off your hair. it will throw off all the proportions and make your body look bigger than it is. (actually, do chop, but only a little: it should fall a couple inches past your shoulders.) I understand how frustrating thick and unruly can be, but still…there are lots of products out there that can help. to straighten throroughly, allow me to cite…myself (ha): “blow dry straight, putting some biosilk serumin while still wet (locks out the moisture amazingly well), once dry put a little more in--not much--flat iron under, not out, and finish with some frieda frizz-ease humidity-locking-out hair spray. you can brush it out after it goes on--it's not so much to freeze your hair as shut out the elements.” trustez-moi. it’s worth the investment, and that little bottle should last you six months, minimum. to leave it curly, put some of this in wet, clip up, and air dry.

okay, can’t avoid this any longer: do you shave your eyebrows? because it looks like you razored them with a disposable. (I wish I were exaggerating.) also, they make me think: “ohhhhh. she dyes her hair. that explains why it looks damaged.” don’t shave them. let them grow, as they’re in serious disrepair. once they reach a normal length, just tweeze the messy bits between and near your eyelid—no thinning! and get an auburn brow pencil to make them match your hair. yeesh.

how to dress? I want to see you in peacock blues, light greys, emerald greens…cowl neck or off-the-shoulder sweaters, pencil skirts, heeled boots, etc. or, troll ebay for vintage, as we discussed last night. I’ll put up link ideas in a bit…

xo,
me.

molly

dear molly,

alright, let’s skip hair and makeup, as you don’t need anything there. I’ll just say that I prefer your hair air-dried with loose curls over straightened, which clashes with your features a little too much.

short legs = high heels. if you’re 5’4”, it shouldn’t be hard to find a simple, comfortable pump or heeled boot that will tack two or three inches onto your leg-length. yes, it really is the only way to fix that proportion. (trust me, I’m in a similar position: weirdly short calves. I should be 5’9”, but genetics suck. go figure that my major inherited trait is short tibia.) shoes with an overly-rounded toe will cut off the leg, so go with a point, and favor a stacked heel over one that’s too narrow or chunky. it doesn’t have to be ridiculous and witchy: classic “80s NEW WAVE!” or "DISCO!!!!" pumps, as they’re known on eBay, are best, comfortable, and, well, available for not much on eBay. (vintage bruno magli, if you can find it, is best. be careful that you get the right width, when shopping him.) this should help with streamlining; as far as pant fit is concerned, buy around your hips (by which I mean orient the fit there) and give the waistband second priority: it’s simple, and inexpensive, to have the waist taken in and the leg shortened. similarly, don’t limit yourself to the petite section when it comes to pants—or branch out there, if you’ve been doing that already. there’s a plethora of options out there, especially once you have some good (not excessively-high, but decisively there) heels in your wardrobe. you won’t go wrong with a bootcut, but I’d play around with a straight leg (straight when it’s on you, that is, not when it’s laid flat). banana republic--do you guys have those in canada?--is friendly to small waists. the Gap is not. (I could fall into the bloody gap left around my waist in those pants.) if you have good (small-thighed) legs, go for a skinny pant, as it will do the most to lengthen the leg. (only if you have small thighs. if you don’t, skinny pants and short legs will just be bad. very, very bad. as will anything flared. NO FLARES.)

when you have an hourglass figure and don't want to look "like a whore," there are a few rules. (actually, there aren't that many rules. I mean, let's face it, it takes some effort to look like a whore, what with the (p)leather, spandex, rarified footwear, and makeup involved. having a bosom, especially one your size, is perfectly normal and not terribly hard to dress; the issue is probably more your comfort level with having a chest, and less that it's outsize or "naturally" suggestive. because it's not.) halters, racerbacks, stiffer fabrics…all of these things will do wonders for holding you not only up, but also in, which really helps downplay that area. wrap dresses (you're too young to be wearing DVF, but she's the look you'll want) will provide the best fit, preferably in really heavy jersey or in wool—no flimsy rayony fabrics—for winter.

you're 18. this is your time to mess around with clothing and get comfortable with your body, so that when you're 50, hot, and asking your daughter for clothing help, a scoop-neck doesn't make you panic. (hi mom!) sally forth bravely.

xo,
me.

I am going to scream

because the semester's getting underway and my hard drive has crashed, yet again. I am re-formatting, yet again. I am making over in a notebook, yet again. will post when I can get online. and when I don't want to drop my computer out the window.

I am very frustrated.

thegirllives

glad to hear you're doing well. please consider investing in a space bar.

dear thegirllives,

the eyebrow epidemic seems to have spread to australia, so I think it may now be safely referred to as a pandemic. too thin. please see here, here, here, or here for meditations on good brows. also, please (I'm being so nice today, aren't you proud?) abandon that kabuki-esque foundation for a more sheer tinted moisturizer: pallor is one thing, but you're scary-luminous at the moment. may I call you glo-worm? anyway, a biscuity color will be best.

your wardrobe situation doesn't look too dire...the so-hip(ster) horizontal stripes need to be abandoned as you're not a rail, and those are the only people (legally) entitled to wear them--little-known U.N. draft legislation, I swear, so you're not exempt. (momentary digression, while we're doing the parenthetical thing: your very blonde friend in half of your pics needs to discover toner and conditioner, as hair was not meant to be yellow or straw-like. he looks like a scarecrow, in more ways than one.) try to stick to decolletage somewhere between that of the abbey and that of the whorehouse; the extremes to which you tend don't serve you all that well, as you have a bosom (avoid overly-high necklines) and it seems like a generous helping (anything too low and it'll look sort of...well, it will make you look bigger than you are. case in point: that shot of you with the beer). on that same note, 3/4 or full-length sleeves and jackets will serve you better than anything highlighting your upper arms. you may be able to get away with tank tops (vest, in anglo-speak), but definitely avoid cap-sleeves. also please avoid hipster tragicness. I have a sneaking suspicion she started out as innocent as you.

xo,
me.

christina

what exactly is a "new" musician?

dear christina,

as this picture shows, you are a very pretty woman. I've spoken before, though not on here, about beauty v. "hotness" v. prettiness v. sexiness, and how just because your body's good doesn't mean you're hot or beautiful. it just means you have a nice body. the inverse is also true: queen latifah is beautiful. she is not, by any stretch of the imagination, hot. whatever. people, if you're truly talented, don't care how you, as a performer, look. I mean, just look at keith richards. or jewel. anyway, expect an email and some polemicizing. for now, let's get down to making you forget about yourself when onstage.

I’m guessing you own a lot of stretch and crushed velvet(een), chokers, and black leggings.

in the trash. along with all of your dark red, brown, and (please let this just be my imagination) black lipsticks. tenty tops? out. gel? out. 6 inches of hair? off. (trust me, people, there are multiple pics required for a makeover, not just the one that gets posted.)

things you need to get: tinted moisturizer. cream blush for the apples of your cheeks, color=petal. lipstick in pink and light berry colors (the raspberry, toffee, or praline here). black mascara, top lashes only. this haircut: you have a high forehead, and it will work wonders to not only frame your face, but also define your neck. blow-dry straight with a round brush. abandon the red-brown color for a pure brown or mahogany, no red overtones. your eyebrows need tweezing or waxing (I hate waxers and wouldn’t trust them, but suspect that you have no prior acquaintance with mr. tweezerman. maybe you have a friend with great eyebrows who could help? or you live in the NY-metro area?) shape from the underside of the brow to give it an arch: don’t touch the top line or the area between them, as they don’t need to be separated. fill with a very fine touch of dark brown brow pencil. goodness this is hard to convey in prose. go to the bookstore. hit the beauty section. get kevyn aucoin’s face forward and study the brow section. don’t give yourself fishhooks.

clothing. fuck it, I was looking around for a picture of the hair I have in mind, and instead found this. the man knows what he's saying. and I hear he's a dream of a person off-set.

xo,
me.

john b.

you asked for pauper to prince, I'll give you pauper to prince. but first take that spoon (scissor? eyelash curler?) out of your hand. menacing isn't attractive.

dear john,

I'm sorry, but I've met someone else. I realise how sudden this might seem, especially what with you fighting so hard on the front lines for us and President Roosev--okay, okay, sorry. not that kind of "dear john." things are a little slap-happy today at You Could Look Better, what with the lappy working again and all. just bear with me.

you look pretty passable for a pauper, my friend. but you want to go the extra mile. you want someone to explain to you that while all your crewneck sweaters are fine in theory, they don't work so well in practice. someone to say, "it would be a lot hotter if you took that checked shirt in your bad hair day pic, ditched the sweater, rolled up the sleeves, put on an amazing, well-knotted tie, accented your nice torso with a vest (knit or otherwise*), and covered it with a hoodie." because then you'd look like a rockstar. who plays football on the weekends, knows how to treat a date, offers his seat to ladies on the train, and is usually cast as the guy in movies who's about to propose to his childhood sweetheart, blissfully unaware that she is a) bored with him and b) falling for orlando bloom. someone heath ledger-y, but without the ridiculous hair situation. and better dressed! I'm also kind of excited about socks for men, at the moment. really awesome socks that lend some surprise to the otherwise mundane world of businesswear.

xo,
me.
*if otherwise, then brown.

emily II

I love making over people I've met in person.

dear emily,

you overtweeze. good shape, but beyond thin...they're getting sparse. I’d also like to see you let your hair grow a trifle—it’s too thinned at the ends, and just because they do it in brooklyn doesn’t mean the rest of the world should do it. (they probably shouldn’t be doing it in brooklyn either.) you have the features to pull off a really blunt edge, and I’d like to see you try it.

your bras aren’t doing their job. if you’re going to wear high-necked shirts (which are very cute, but hard do wear with any kind of a bust), you really, really need to lift and retain. have you heard the expression “pigeon-breasted”? that’s what happens when there’s too much bosom being pushed up and out, and things start to look silly and vaguely victorian. not so hot. please see here for minimizer suggestions. as a rule, I’d prefer seeing you in something with a lower neckline, and not in a clingy fabric—merino instead of cashmere, heavy jersey instead of spandex-cotton blends, linen, georgette, etc. if you work with these, in deep-V or scoop-neck tops, you can skip the minimizers, but go for full-coverage over demi-cup, and definitely choose the smaller band-size. (34 and 36 are NOT interchangeable.) other things to skip: cap sleeves and smocked tops. pieces with empire waists will suit you better, and I think, with the right pair of heels and bangles, you wouldn’t go wrong with something in the way of a balenciaga sack dress. another look to try would be pencil skirts (go all-out on the colors) that hit below the knee and sit at your natural waist, narrow belts, and very structured tops or closely tailored jackets in a fabric that will hold you in and not show anything you want to hide—velvet is amazing in situations like these, as it has no give (don't get stretch-velvet, obviously) and is pretty heavy-duty. try ebay for vintage, make sure your measurements match the listing, and if you choose to cultivate that look, make sure it’s completely assembled. nothing looks worse than women in pretty vintage frocks with unstarched collars and bad posture. it ruins the trimness of it all, which is the point of the endeavor. likewise, don’t take it too far with hair and makeup (particularly lipstick) as it will start to look like a costume and then I won’t be able to see you. and we can't have that, as you're gorgeous.

xo,
me.

so my computer died

but I reformatted it and made it live again. let there be much rejoicing, singing of songs, sounding of trumpets, dancing of dances, etc., etc., in nomine Barneys, et Topshop, et Stella McCartney, amen.

skanko

I can't believe I'm about to write this.

dear skanko.

okay, there, it's written. I really want to delete it. this is wretched. why is that your handle? WHY?

anyway, you look like the guy who plays the cowardly lion in the wizard of oz. for real. I like your hat selection. whether or not they're to hide male pattern baldness, they look good, and that's what matters. your facial hair needs trimming, please, particularly on your neck. it's just a little gross when it spreads too far south. another gross things: the expression on your face and your little handgangyobrowassup thing are identical in every. single. picture. it's creepy. I feel like you're not really there. which I guess is a possibility. so maybe you're creeping out the ladies and that's why you're not getting laid.

do you ever wear purple? I feel strongly about that color, especially on redheads. dark rinse bootcut jeans, purple shirt, tie, dark pinstriped blazer, italian shoe. or, alternatively, same shoe, but with a straight-leg jean (fitted: don't buy a size up), thick ribbed turtleneck in navy or cream, and a leather bomber over that. hot. and not bad-jersey. plus, they'll totally go with your hats.

I'll ad links in a bit, to clarify.
xo,
me.

could someone explain these to me, please?

ugh. I've been seeing them for years and just...I mean, northern florida sightings are one thing, but in new york? on someone otherwise well-groomed and neatly-fashioned? it gives me a pain in the head.

halon

I really wanted to put up the black leather duster pic and make an Angel reference, but instead I went with the phallic reference. for this, you love me.

dear halon,

okay, grooming, you pass. everything looks clean, eyebrows tame, face shaved. I hate the military side buzz thing, mostly because I'm not partial to scalps and prefer them well-covered, so please allow the sides to grow out a little. put all your gel in the trash, replace with a modeling gum or clay, and you'll be set.

suits and business-wear you seem to have in abundance, so I'm going to focus on fun and higher fashion: there's a flare for the dramatic lurking deep within your dark, twisty, anguished vamp--sorry. perfect. and again. more stripes. more perfect. naw, for real. did you know that suicide will kill you? anyway, you see my point. you have a great figure, now just accent it: layers on top, tailored pants on the bottom, and any of the shoes I've recommended on here for the men. oh, and ditch the leather duster. replace with skinny ties and omigod.

xo,
me.

ben

sigh. a cape? and overalls? WITH A BELT?

dear ben,

to keep things brief and tidy, a list:
1. shave. all off. you are probably scaring your child. if you must have facial hair, go with a very light bit of scruff, evenly distributed over your cheeks, chin, jaw, etc. the effect will be more slimming and defining than what you have now.
2. throw away all your sleeveless shirts and tank tops. no, really. in the trash. along with the cape, overalls, and wand. I don't care if it was a costume: witness my cold indifference. that's what happens when you make my eyes bleed. true story.
3. those glasses are a bad idea. as is the gel in your hair. it's vaguely hedge-hoggian. porcine. you know. let it grow a little, trim the back and sides, and push it forward with a little (very little) product, sample size to test run before investing. rub it between your hands briskly until it's invisible, and, starting at the crown (top back) of your head, work it in, pushing up toward your forehead.
4. it's texas, it's hot, whatever. oxford shirts (all cotton or linen, no stretch) over t-shirts, tailored without being tight. leave them unbuttoned if that's more your comfort level--besides, it will create a vertical line* that will narrow your torso. roll up the sleeves. jeans, again tailored, or boot-cut. nothing too wide, as that will make your legs look short. and buy the right size! get a lovely boot. those are pretty. if you need more details/have other questions, email.

xo,
me.

*this effect is best achieved with dark t-shirts than light, which just accent the midsection.

inhouse

outhouse. hahahahahaha ahem.

dear inhouse,

41, good body, and leather pants. you're luckier than most. so let us have a haircut, shall we? shorter, shaggier, bangier, with a good product (as always, I like Texture Twist). (oh, and don't do it blonde like meg ryan. stick to brunette.)

to tell you the truth, you could do whatever you want and probably get away with it. it's cute that you dig t-shirts, but I'm kind of unimpressed. the sunglasses...meh. I have the suspicion you don't care, and don't want to care, because you're all into nerdy boys and people who care about fashion can get fucked. am I right? I hope not. personally, I think you'd look great in a pair of black leggings under this dress--you can layer with a long-sleeved T, as you're in nova bloody scotia. with pointy flats or a soft, slouchy, flat leather boot. or a really mannish, wide-legged suit, with a white shirt (big, starched collar) open at the neck, with heels...that would be really hot. if you're willing to go there. and dangly earrings in unpolished silver. or pewter. it's time to try something new...

oh, and blush. a little cream blush on the apples of the cheeks. and black eyeliner and mascara.

xo,
me.

erica II

so you're tall, rationally-bosomed, and live somewhere cold. whatever. I've never been one to let jealousy impede a makeover.

dear erica,

it's good to see you have no fear whatsoever of purple spandex leotards. if you're not scared of those, you're not scared of anything. so:
1. really fucking skinny jeans. you have the legs for them--cheap monday are amazing, if you can find them. (try urban outfitters online...I go to barneys for mine, but they're not listed on the site yet.) get them in grey or black. then, like so, topped with an oversized, deep-V cardigan if it's cold, and for shoes, two options. if you're feeling tall, amazonian, world-conquering, then these*. if it's a chill sort of day, these flats.

2. a really trimly-tailored boatneck dress, hitting just below the knee. belt it or don't, your call. if it's sleeveless, all the better for layering over turtlenecks, buttondowns, things like that. very audrey, very you, very good.

your hair suits you--maybe consider messing about with it at times, straightening, blowdrying, whatever. you need to shape your eyebrows a little, however, and you definitely need to define them with some powder: I can barely see them. your lips also need a little more color (a light lip pencil fill in the mauve or clover will work well), topped off with some gloss to make them look bigger. or try a plumper. also feel free to play with black eyeliner (not waterproof), well-smudged.

xo,
me.
* if anyone loves me, I'm dying--DYING--to have these shoes. but it would be fiscally irresponsible.

heraldic55

trumpets, timbrels, etc. in other announcements, I've now taken to blogging in a notebook, on a train. awesome.

dear heraldic55,

you have me a little perplexed, and maybe all the good readers out there can chime in on this one--the four of you might be able to give me a little perspective...use the shiny pretty commenting feature!

eyebrows.

in some pictures, they are distracting. you're "that guy with the eyebrows." in others, most people wouldn't notice them, but I'm not most people. I have (suffer from) an eyebrow "thing." they seem too wide, in others not so wide, but too thick. and then in one they seem...unremarkable. I can see the rest of your pretty face, particularly the eyes. however, men tweezing to reshape/thin (rather than just maintain two separate) eyebrows is something that gives me pause, having seen too many tweezer mishaps in Chelsea. and there's that episode of Friends, the one where Joey...never mind.

anyway, you're in D.C. look like it, please. suits. tailored jeans. pocket squares! ! cozy for winter! you generally seem to have a good handle on not dressing like a neanderthal, so that's good. I suspect, however, that you have junior high shoes. no. now we are grown up.

xo,
me.